The Pat Game

Years ago the show Saturday Night Live had a skit about 'Pat' – where guests tried to figure out if an androgynous person, Pat, was a man or a woman. Pat remained oblivious, endlessly frustrating the questioners with answers that leave the character's gender vague. Pat often made statements that seemed to reveal gender only to then immediately confuse things again. (A typical example might be, "Sorry if I'm a little grumpy, I have really bad cramps... I rode my bike over here, and my calf muscles are KILLING me!") - Somehow this ridiculous and offensive sketch was made into a movie.

 A really fucking bad movie.

 

Now, I get “The Pat Game” played on me a lot of the time. I look very androgynous in a world where somehow people just HAVE to know what I am. Or what I'm not.

 

There are many different levels of TPG – and all of them suck.

 

Level 1 – The Look.

You know that look, you probably do it unconsciously. See someone gender undetermined, look to chest and crotch; scrutinise face and neck. You might look for markers like jewellery or make-up.

We know when you're doing this. So stop. No really, stop – I know what it looks like when someone is assessing my gender, and it makes me feel like some kind of bacteria under a microscope. If you catch yourself doing it (and given we've all been socialised into “is that a boy or a girl the world must know!” You will do it - hell, I do it - and I hope you catch yourself) close your eyes, say to yourself “It doesn't fucking matter!” and continue with your life. I swear, you will find no ill effects from not knowing if that person was male, female, all, or not.

 

Level 2 – The Discussion.

I'm sitting there in the food court, doing battle with sushi and chopsticks when I hear four teenage girls giggling “Is that a guy or a girl?” “It's a girl.” “No! It's a guy!” “Oh, right, it is a guy...”

All the while I have to resist the urge to ask them just how my gender is at all relevant to them eating their fucking lunch.

Seriously people, SHUT DOWN THESE KINDS OF CONVERSATIONS. If your friends have them, tell them the person is clearly a dinosaur and allow no dissent. Actually, if your friends do this, get new friends. Ones who aren't douchebags.

 

Level 3 – The Straight Question.

“Are you a boy or a girl?” (Note: Even the assholes on Saturday Night Live weren't this rude!)

Dear Barista, whether I am a boy or a girl does not impact you making me a fucking coffee. You asking this question, however, may impact me shoving the steam nozzle down your throat and turning it onto high.

Because that person making the coffee does not want a discussion on gender, non-binary identification and androgyny. More often, they don't even want to know what I identify as – they want to know what's in my pants. No. You don't get to know that without buying me several drinks, unless you are Andrew Scott.

 

However, if you are a lovely person who has been chatting to me or you're a friend of a friend or something and you'd like to know what pronoun I use – That's what to ask. “So, um, what pronoun would you like?” That's a good question. That's a question you should be asking more people – don't assume their pronoun based on appearance. And when I reply “They” or “Ze and hir, cheers” don't argue, and use those pronouns.

 

And oh yes, TPG gets worse...

 

Level 4 – The Debate.

This is worse than the discussion, because it happens right in front of me.

Maxie: This is Spider, he's just moved here...

Alex: He? That's a girl.

Maxie: No, it's a guy.

Alex: No, it's a girl.

Me: When you've finished choosing my gender for me, please allow me to tell you to go fuck yourselves.

 

No really – people do this. They feel that not only is my gender a matter of import in their lives, it is so important I cannot be allowed input into the decision. In case I prejudice the outcome of their bullshit, or something. So they debate my gender as if I am a baby, or perhaps an item of furniture.

 

If you have ever done this, message the person you did it to and offer your unconditional apology. If anyone tries to do this to you, you can tell them to thoroughly irrigate their colon.

 

So, there we are – a helpful guide on how to avoid playing The Pat Game with androgynous people you see in your every day life. Also an explanation as to why I hate the world.

 

You're welcome.

 

Posted by Editor on 01/24 at 08:13am
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