Parents

Telling parents might be the hardest part about coming out with a diverse sexuality or gender identity. It's going to depend a lot on what kind of people they are. You will know this best.

Some parents will

• crack up
• refuse to accept you for who you are
• pretend that they haven't heard what you said and that nothing has happened
• say they don't mind, but only so long as your aunt/grandmother/neighbours don't find out.

But there are parents who really don't mind. They will accept you for who you are and may even help you. In Aotearoa New Zealand there are groups of parents such as PFLAG South and PFLAG Hamilton that are working with us to increase acceptance and reduce stigma.

Why many parents need time

Often parents are afraid for themselves. They are afraid they did something wrong and more afraid that others will think they have failed as parents. When parents first find out, they are suddenly confronted with what feels like a threat to all the dreams and aspirations they ever had for you, like getting married and having a family of your own. For some parents this can feel out of their control which triggers a deeply reactive flight (ignore) or fight response.

"But you'll be lonely"

Parents want us to do what they did only with less mistakes. It can be difficult for them to think that any other kind of life could also be good for us. Like many people, they may associate being gay or trans with leading a lonely life.

For a start, everyone's lonely sometimes. Even our parents. Today more and more people are finding other was of living which work for them. Instead of a traditional family unit consisting of "mum, dad and the kids". Some people like to live on their own, some people live in houses with groups of friends, others with long-term partners with or without kids.